aiya, sometimes these articles are nice to read and also pretty interesting cos sometimes you can really identify with the experiences of these writers too. And of course, sometimes they also help me to sort of empathise (or at least I try to) with the pains of my current loved one.
but it still doesn't make me feel good sigh...
why did I have to be in the picture at this time?! why couldn't I have met him before he became so afraid to invest in relationships? Why am I only able to have someone who has already given so much of himself and promised so much more (without any prompting at all) to those who came before me and yet is unable to put down all these baggage and past hurts when it comes to being in a relationship with me?
I honestly don't even know whether you are really completely over your past relationships or not. Sometimes I think that harbouring hurt from the past relationships even after so much time has passed, just really makes it seem like you still have not completely let go, and you still can recall how you have loved so hard previously and given so much in the past and how painful it was when it ended. So have you completely moved on or are you still upset by something that happened so many years ago, and still so affected by it that you would be so afraid to love someone else wholeheartedly again?
And I really really dislike myself for being willing to stay in a relationship where I know that I am not getting the full love and investment that matches what you gave the others. And maybe that's why I have thoughts of ending this from time to time. Because, of course, every girl wants to be with a man whom she knows will treasure and cherish her, who sees her as the love of his life, and who would do anything for her just to make her happy and keep her by his side forever.
I'm really not getting this feeling from you... firstly you have never promised me the world, like you did for the rest, and that really hurts. And it hurt even more that you would ask me first what I can promise you, before you would promise me the same. And furthermore, it doesn't even seem like you really want to make me happy...even when you know what would make me happy (things like setting aside time to call) , it takes such tremendous effort and struggle before you would do it (honestly how many disputes and arguments have we ended up having over this already?!) it has come to a point where I really have to wonder if you do it willingly. And I am most definitely appreciative of the fact that you are doing it now, but I honestly will never be able to use this as an example of you trying to make me happy , because you never really had the intention to set aside time to call me right from the start.
I think I take you a bit too seriously sometimes but I'm not sure how seriously you take me. like when you said, "promise me we'll talk everyday even when I'm not here " and I really took it seriously. I'm such an idiot.
and I really did mean what I said about you choosing a career based on our relationship..I am really grateful and touched that you would try so hard to get a job back here, but I think that it should be really based on a desire to come back here because maybe you really want to, and not just because you promised me that you would come back. I wouldn't want it to seem like a situation where I am forcing you to come back. I would really like for it to be more like you want to come back because there is a good reason for you to do so, and you can see very clearly what that reason is.
the kind of promises I hope for are different...it's hard to explain here but something along the lines of letting me know just how much you love me I suppose. Maybe you won't promise me the world, even though you keep telling me that you feel like i am the one for you, and that I am so much better than the rest. I don't know though, I really don't know what to feel or what to hope for sometimes.
I know you keep telling me to stay positive and believe me, I am trying my hardest. But at the end of the day I still find it difficult to understand why I agreed to try this out in the first place. I keep telling myself that I should just hang in there and wait till we can be properly together physically, before I can truly see the full potential of this relationship. maybe...I don't know.
but I also have this feeling that, even if I were really able to just harden my heart and put aside all my love for you, and really just leave, instead of purely saying that i want to do so, I'm honestly not too sure how hard you would want to fight for a chance at saving this relationship.
your lukewarm response the last time around has simply served to reinforce the notion that this relationship is not that necessary in your life anyway. Your email was a good piece of writing in helping me to understand where you are coming from, but it had also expressed to me outright that you're not actually looking for a second chance at this relationship, or a chance to redeem yourself.
which leads me to the question now...what am I still doing here?! why did I voluntarily just go back to this relationship even without any obvious request from you to stay?! I feel so stupid now... and I have to wonder now exactly how much you want this relationship and exactly how much I mean to you.
this decision that I made to stay and keep this relationship...omg. it really makes me so so disappointed in myself sometimes and i really wonder just how worth it this will be. All my time and emotion...I wish I didn't love you that much but unfortunately I do. And that really makes me sad quite often these days everytime I end up thinking and reflecting on these things whenever i have some free time to myself . sigh. stupid stupid girl! :( really wonder if this is gonna be just another example of all the bad decisions that I am constantly making.
Disappeared @ 12:07 AM ♥
Saturday, June 18, 2016
I think I am starting to regret my decision not to leave you again lol... honestly I don't know why I should still be staying...it's not like you begged me to stay, and it's not as if you can't live without me or something. And you didn't even seem that upset at the thought of losing me lol...I guess maybe it doesn't matter much to you whether I leave or not. Or maybe it's just the thought of someone else leaving you again, that makes you sad, rather than the thought of not having me around. I don't know, I really don't.
And come to think of it, all you did was to try to explain your actions in the past. But you didn't even promise me anything until I asked...you've never ever promised to love me, promised to take care of me or be there for me. you've never promised me the world , not like the rest. And the worst is that I had to ask first..these promises didn't come based on your own accord.
you can always promise to come back, but if you do it without giving me your all, or without intending to give me your fullest love and emotional investment, then what is the point??? I might as well have a manikin for a boyfriend then...
I don't even know just how much you love me honestly. And I must be crazy to still decide to stay with you despite feeling this way. And are you even grateful that I chose to stay? I don't even remember hearing a "thanks for giving this another chance" from you. It's as though you really don't care much whether I stay or leave. Either way, I think I surprised myself by staying also lol...I have no idea why I still love you lol. I can be so stupid when it comes to matters of the heart lol..
Dear God, I've always been praying for a good, virtuous guy who will be good to me and love me deeply and wholeheartedly, and maybe if things work out then we can be life partners and soul mates. I don't know if I have already met him but I know You have a plan for me, and I entrust my life and my future to You.
One of my nurses used to always tell me "Dr, you are so so good to people, you will definitely be blessed with a good husband next time." I don't know how she can be so confident of this, but I sure hope so too haha. Anyway, even if it doesn't happen that way, I know all things happen for a reason. Come what may... and I pray for God's guidance as well as the strength to cope with whatever happens in life.
Disappeared @ 11:51 AM ♥
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Sometimes I really feel that I tend to do things against my better judgment lol sigh. Maybe that's why I often end up regretting certain decisions I make. Anyway I hope that I won't regret the decisions I made this year loll.
And I'm sorry for the times I took you forgranted before. I know it's way too late now, but thank you for the love you had shown me and all the little ways in which you made me feel loved and treasured. I hope I will be blessed enough to be with someone who can love me and take care of me like you used to.
Thanks for all the times when you would accompany me home from school, for coming over to visit when I was sick, for helping me tie my shoelaces/tie my hair when my hands were full, for cooking meals and making sandwiches for me, for trying to go to church with me whenever you could, sharing notes with me, never letting me cough up a cent on our dates, catching that pig from the claw machine for me just because I said it was super cute, putting little surprises in my locker from time to time (even going so far as to make friends with the 711 uncle to borrow his fridge so you could store your ice cream surprise for me), comforting me when I was down, telling me that I looked lovely and special (even when really, I think I stuck out like a sore thumb -.- ) at that disastrous social night where I turned up in a colourful dress and everyone else was wearing a normal black dress lol, and so much more...
you were sweet enough to star in a Korean drama, and it was my fault that I never appreciated you enough. I'm really sorry that I ended things with you so suddenly and so harshly. I don't really remember so well anymore all the reasons why I was unhappy with you, because it was so long ago. But anyway, it doesn't matter anymore, and I hope that you are happy where you are now, and you are with someone who loves you in the way that you deserve. (:
Disappeared @ 8:59 PM ♥
Saturday, April 09, 2016
awww man haha so I went for IDEM this weekend, and during one of the lectures on CR, the speaker was showing us a video of his CRs, and the music that he used in the background was this song! haha I just took a great liking to the song lol I dunno why omg, so I googled it when I got home and found out that the song title is "Faded" by Alan Walker. LOLL ok so I think the song sounds great and the lyrics are nice too, albeit kinda emo (ok but then again I've always had a thing for emo songs lol the sadder they make me feel, the more I wanna hit the replay button bahaha so weird right omggg) but ok anyway, the point is... this has like no relevance to CRs at all!!! HAHA imagine listening to this song while watching a video of someone doing a CR restoration on a tooth LOLLL goodness. too emo for the topic at hand!!
but hahaha I really do like this song a lot so I'm just posting it here hehe. (:
on another note, wowww I am seriously impressed with the speaker's CR restorations!! so so pretty omg, like a work of art!! really makes me wanna push myself harder to place prettier CR fillings next time omg ((: haha the standard of his work is like godly la omg, the restorations look sooo natural!! And he achieved it in such a seemingly simple way omg. amazing!! hahaha not that I will be doing much of fillings in future once I start residency lol but still, it's pretty impressive to watch all this :D I still do appreciate aesthetically-pleasing restorations after all hahaha!!
Disappeared @ 9:39 PM ♥
Sunday, February 21, 2016
"When I walk, or lie down, You are before me
Ever the keeper and maker of my days."
They played one of my favourite hymns during mass today again! yay, feel so happy! (; Some hymns seem to speak straight to my heart, and this is one of them haha. It never fails to comfort me when I listen to it, I think.
Before I go for my interview this Wednesday, I shall listen to this again and remind myself that the course of my future days has all been planned out for me already; all I have to do is follow the path set out for me, whatever it may be.
Whatever happens, I know I shall not be alone, for He goes before me always.
Disappeared @ 9:22 PM ♥
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
"remember, man, you are dust, and unto dust you shall return."
that's a very good point to remember! I have not attended ash wednesday mass for more than 10 years already I think! haha i guess this is why everything seems a bit new and fresh to me heh...
Anyway, I really felt that I should record this somewhere, lest I forget this simple but oft-forgotten message! This shall serve as a constant reminder to myself that I am very small, in the grand scheme of things, and that my cares and worries are nothing but little troubles. All I have to do is to make sure I live my life meaningfully, without being too concerned about whatever material possessions or worldly gains I can obtain from this life. Indeed, whether it is a specialist degree, a paper qualification, loads of money, or whatever that I think may make me happy now, all these will become worthless when I eventually turn to dust one day, unless I am able to use them meaningfully during the time I spend here on this earth.
I might not actually have figured out the purpose of my existence yet, or the role that I am meant to play in this life, but at least, I feel better reminding myself that all these little troubles that plague me are just really tiny issues, and one day, these too shall pass.
Disappeared @ 10:12 PM ♥
Tuesday, February 02, 2016
Wow! I have rediscovered this blog in my bid to reflect on all that has happened to me in previous years (or at least whatever I have recorded here loll),while I prepare for an upcoming interview that has the potential to change my life drastically if I do succeed in it!
So I had sort of a mock interview last week, and I'm quite affected by it heh. Yes, even until now. :O I just cannot get over the fact that they asked me some questions about myself, and my future direction in life, that I should have been able to answer, but I couldn't. Oh man! what does that say about me? Maybe it just means that I am immature? Unsure of where I am heading in life? Lacking in self-awareness? I don't know. But there is definitely this question that has been haunting me until now - "what drives you in life?"
I HAVE NO IDEA REALLY. OH GOD.
But I really hate that I do not know the answer to this question. )): How can it be!! At 24 years of age, I'm still have no idea what drives me in life? And the interviewer had to give me sample answers of what other candidates might say? Oh gosh, embarrassing right...But really. This is a very fundamental question, and I should be most ashamed of myself if I'm still unable to find the answer for myself before the real interview. Seriously.
I think I've just been bobbing along in life, letting myself go wherever life takes me. Or maybe it's because I always try to pray this prayer in situations where I am unsure of what the future might hold: "Dear God, not my will but Your will be done. "
Well yes, so basically I have been spending most of my free time these days just searching for answers. I even dropped by church before dinner yesterday to pray for some direction in my life! omg, and I even almost dropped in a petition note in the petition-letters box oh gosh why am I so auntie and so desperate seriously. Luckily I stopped myself in time omg....imagine what the people reading this would be thinking omg. Lolll other people write petitions to pray for sick/dying family members or like people who need real help (e.g. drug addicts, delinquents, whatever.) and then my note would just be something desperate and lame... like, "Dear God, please tell me what I should do with my life! Where am I going? Why am I doing this? Why do I like this? Will this be worth my while? Am I even on the right path? Send me a sign please! " Something juvenile like that la hahaha. Kk I am being overly dramatic now, but seriously. Some guidance please!!
I just feel that my life thus far has been full of bad/stupid decisions and I do not want to make yet another wrong move again!! Everything I do, I end up regretting at some point in my life later. And I do not want this to be next one omg. I might have been seriously confused, irrational and impractical in the past sometimes(ok acually even now, I still feel that I am quite confused about a lot of things in my life omg), but ok this needs to end here!! Seriously... I am almost a quarter of a century old already, and I do not want to keep mucking up my life like that. I do not want to do things that I will regret later, and then blame myself/loved ones/people that I used to adore, for the bad decisions that I make.
Man...so anyway, of course I had a peaceful prayer session yesterday, but still nothing much came to my head today haha oh noes. And then suddenly I remembered this blog! haha and then I was like, ok might as well go read through my old posts! Surely there must have been some interesting stuff about the happenings in my life that I documented here! I might even find the answers to some of the questions they asked me! e.g. treatment related failures/mistakes that you made, worst failure, etc.
haha and yes it has been a really interesting read. (: I can't believe that at one point in my dental school life, I was diligently taking pictures of my work. omg. HAHA that is so crazy I can't even believe it. The only reason why I'm believing it is because I have photographic evidence here! omg!
but anyway, this really unlocks many memories for me, both good and bad. It makes me so emotional reading some of old posts lol...things that I had once put so far behind me have now surfaced again. Of course this has unlocked a whole new floodgate of questions I'd like to ask myself, but at least I hope I'll be able to find the answers myself soon (:
wow ok this blog post has such a different tone to it compared to most of my previous ones. I think I sound pretty much troubled by my own thoughts omg.. This is why I shouldn't keep having too much free time to myself omg, I tend to think too much. But ok, I really reallyyyyy do need to think a lot about my life, and myself, and who I really am. Before my interview! ahh!
ok I shall end here haha and resume my search for answers!
till next time! (when I remember this blog/feel the urge to blog hahaha)
